Admitting You Have a Problem Is the First Step

They say it takes all sorts to make a world and surely the vast gamut of human personalities testifies to this. In any given day, you're likely to encounter a dizzying array of different people. Whether its the shy, introverted bookworm in the office next door, the high-spirited pixie who never seems to miss a beat, or the lumbering, moody, malcontented neckbeard in front of you in line, the parade of personalities keeps life varied and interesting. Over time, we come to appreciate the strange mosaic of odd people surrounding us at all times because of the infinite diversity they represent.

With infinite diversity also comes the potential for encounters with personality types that are a bit harder to handle than others. This article, in a semi-serious way, highlights a study that partially explains why certain test subjects expressed dislike for environmentalists and feminists. To be fair, I think the takeaway from that article isn't that environmentalists and feminists are unlikable. The article's primary claim is that people shy away from the politically passionate, regardless of their particular stripe or creed. Most people are simply uncomfortable with aggressive activists for change because of our herd mentality.

There's one personality type we run into far too often that can ruin our day faster than a smug environmentalist or send us off in a huff of offended recognition of misogyny quicker than a feminist: The asshole.

We all know this type of person, but what specifically defines an asshole? Is it the self-assured arrogant opining that marks this nuisance? Is it the crude, often nasty sense of humor rooted in deep self-loathing? Are assholes just myopically-focused on a goal and could care less about who they have to step on to reach that goal? To find out, let's put on our junior investigator fedora and go to Google.

Urban Dictionary defines the term as "your current boss", "someone being arrogant, rude, obnoxious, or just a total dickhead", and "The worst kind of person. You cannot fully construct a meaning that fully encompasses what this vicious insult means. If you're an asshole, you are disgusting, loathsome, vile, distasteful, wrathful, belligerent, agoraphobic, and more. Assholes are human fecal matter. They are the lowest of the low. They transcend all forms of immorality." Nice, enthusiastic start, especially with the thoroughness of the last entry. I'm a big fan of flaunting impressive vocabulary, but there's surely a more stable, sensible definition out there.

There's an oddly instructive song by Denis Leary, detailing a variety of scenarios in which one can observe the asshole in the wild. He points out so many scenarios, actions, and instances that it can be applied to almost anyone. Well, anyone not fondling a saline implant while smoking a cigar. That's crossing into new, uncharted territory. Still, we search on for more elucidation.

Ah, wikipedia, the last desperate bastion of frantic, essay writing college students. To be totally honest, this is as much information as I'd ever need to fully understand the etymology, usage, and contexts of the word. It's truly educational. Be that as it may, wikipedia's definition describes people who are "viewed as stupid, incompetent, unpleasant, or detestable," which seemingly covers the term well enough.

If there's one thing Google does well, it's overload. So, I found myself drowning in a thousand variations on the theme of "asshole." There have been attempts through academic research to quantify and study the traits that seem to typically occur in people we deem to be assholes. Linguist Geoffrey Nunberg even wrote an entire book tracing the origins and the implications of the word itself. It isn't simply a socially constructed pejorative for people we don't like. It's apparently a type and it is one that possesses traits that often lead to success, from certain points of view.

So, how does one know if one is an asshole? Surely, we all want to know, right? It's no fun being the designated arch-asshole of your particular cast of Friends, is it? Surely, knowledge is power and power, in this case, is the opportunity to steer one's ship in a new, less detestable direction. With that in mind, here are several traits that seem to be coterminous with being an asshole. I'll kindly leave Nickelback fans and owners of Hummer H2s off the list.

1. Assholes are terrible listeners and excellent liars.

Is your mind always somewhere else when others are talking to you? Assholes don't mind engaging in conversations, but they aren't really listening. They're simply waiting for their turn to speak, plotting and contemplating their next brilliant or hilarious statement. Assholes are the kind of people that callously minimize your concerns or downplay your perspective in a discussion. They reduce your carefully thought out positions to oversimplified straw-man arguments. They're less concerned with reaching consensus on an issue, focusing instead on how to convince everyone to go along with their own personal wishes. Because of these self-serving, egocentric tendencies, assholes also concoct highly persuasive lies to mask their true intentions or hide their unethical behavior, which leads us to the second trait.

2. Assholes think only of their own happiness.

If there's one seemingly universal characteristic that I encountered in this search, it's this one. Assholes do whatever makes them feel best, all the time, regardless of the consequences. Instead of finishing a project, they nap or fool around with a diversion. When asked to complete a task, they won't unless they see some sort of personal benefit. When given a tremendous head start in life, they fritter it away capriciously. If that weren't enough, assholes seem to acquire a greater number of sexual partners over their lifetime, due to this impulsive, egocentric mentality. There's a sense in which someone with an opportunistic devil may care attitude embodies the id in all of us, which can seem superficially attractive. It's why Lester from American Beauty suddenly became so attractive right before he was killed. Don't be confused, however. An asshole is only concerned about their own feelings and desires. You're a means to an end. The lying and secret-keeping are just part of it. They want what they want and your feelings mean precisely nothing to them.

3. Assholes are convinced of their own rightness and that they're surrounded by morons.

We've all known that person, motivated by narcissism and political hackery, who firmly  and defensively believes that they've stumbled across the precise formula to set this country on the right course. Complicated problems, such as illegal immigration or conflict in the Middle East, can be solved by "building an alligator-filled moat" or "turning Iran into a sheet of glass." Their rants usually begin with "The thing no one understands is..." and they fervently, legitimately believe that their colleagues and peers are incompetent, mentally deficient morons. This point of view of others makes it easy to bully or intellectually bludgeon other human beings, often baselessly, but never without exceptional confidence. Whatever the situation, assholes always know the right course of action and must tell you how you've been doing it wrong all this time. Feminists call this "mansplaining," but it's annoying no matter what appellation it bears.

4. Assholes are relentlessly rude to others, on purpose, often for humor's sake.

There's a big difference between having a few crude laughs or good-natured ribbing with friends and habitually and hurtfully mocking others. Assholes detect another person's greatest weakness, often with astounding rapidity and accuracy, only to exploit it for laughs. They make fun of everyone they know, even their best friends and significant others, if only to trigger a few laughs over lunch with a different friend. Assholes aren't just sarcastic. They're serially and sociopathically sarcastic. Internet trolls, the Westboro Baptist Church, and the cast of Jackass all fit right in with this trait.

5. Assholes usually have a long list of enemies and a small circle of friends.

Assholes have a body count. By that, I don't literally mean they kill folks. Instead, there's a long line of people who have had enough of the asshole or who have been royally and exquisitely screwed over by the asshole. Assholes have exes that absolutely hate them and assholes tend to categorically hate their own exes. Because of these tendencies, assholes don't fare well in maintaining friendships. Whether it's impulsive, self-gratifying behavior that wrecks a relationship or just too  much thinly veiled verbal abuse, assholes are simply people that aren't well-liked.

So, what do you do if these traits apply to you? Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Most assholes would rather drown in a sea of cognitive dissonance rather than face up to the problem, so knowing you're an asshole is half the battle. Now, I could drone on into boredom, reciting self-help manuals and pithy internet aphorisms about being more sensitive to others.

I'm not going to do that. Not yet anyway. Consider yourself lucky. For now.

What I'm stuck on is how many of those actually apply to me. You see, the genesis of this particular post was that both my spouse and one of my best friends declared last week to me that I can be a real asshole. I laughed it off at first, but my omphaloskeptical self continued coming back to the question of whether I'm really an asshole or not.

In a last ditch effort to rescue my self-worth from the sulfurous fires of assholery, I stumbled upon a silly internet quiz.You can click Here to take a self-test to determine just how much of an asshole you might be. I'm not going to vouch for the scientific metrics used to build the test, but the questions generally seem designed to force you to choose between a two very clear options. Your experience with the test might vary.

I scored a "14", which means I'm a "borderline certified asshole." So that's it. Time to wear the scarlet letter.

I'm an asshole.

I'm a terrible listener, at times. I can be very good at fibbing and misleading folks. I have an impulsive streak that motivates me to stupid things like blog at 2:00 a.m. when I should be sleeping or working. My Facebook timeline, especially right now in the midst of the government shutdown, does inspire a sense of intellectual superiority over a particular meme slinging sector of friends. I'm famously, frequently rude for humor's sake, even if I'm the only guy in the room laughing. This might even be the most clear, compelling evidence. Ask any of my dear friends who tolerate me and they'll all attest to being deeply offended by my humor at some point or another. Ask former friends as well. There's certainly a long line of ex-girlfriends, lost friends, and family members that just don't engage with me anymore, for whatever reason.

But once again, it suddenly occurs to me that many of us are guilty of the same transgressions. We've all paid less than our best attention, told a lie, and taken advantage of another while not caring about the consequences. There's not one of us that doesn't feel superior to a particular group of people and we all have a list, some longer than others, of people who don't desire contact with us in the future.

Sure, admitting you have a problem is the first step, but perhaps maybe the second and only other step is to strive to be a little less of an asshole every day. Be a better listener or be less dishonest. Think of the happiness of others once in a while, instead of your own or try to imagine that you're not categorically better than everyone else. Perhaps find a way to tell your closest friends how much you appreciate their tolerance and maybe, just maybe, try to reel back in that sarcasm-soaked zinger you've been perfecting since last Thursday.

Nope. Too far. One day at a time. My daughters are only going to live with me for just a few more years. I can't miss this golden opportunity to lovingly mock their use of the word "SWAGGGG!" in polite conversation. I am what I am. I'm an asshole.

Have a great week out there!